Sleepless nights

I have been crying for days without sleeping at night, finally falling asleep in the dawn of the day in the midst of all the webs and confusion, waking up feeling all hot and bothered.

I am very confuse. In both love and life. I have lost all common sense as there is none which made any logic to the brain. I have lost my motivation, my passion in life as all seems just as a empty vessel.
Forcing myself to get going, keeping myself occupied, is to no valid. It just always end up in a bucket of tears, tears streaming, with the urge to scream my lungs out, pull my hair out and just disappear.

But reality wakes you up to the cruel truth. No matter what, the time will just ticks by, in your face reminding you that no matter what, it is a useless case unless you start doing something. Nothing will change if you cry. However, once you stop, the only thing that will is time, leaving you behind to eat your own dirt. Nobody will ever stop for you.

At this same time, you realize, as the truth slaps in, that when you look around you, it is just emptiness. The same one that surround you when you face death. You think about the difference of what surviving in the world brings you. Nothing! Nothing except shreds and fragmentation of lies, lies of lying to yourself that there are such things as dreams, friendship and love.

It is like a drug. Where you work so hard, by any ways of hook or crook you try to get it, and with just the momentary feeling of what you think is happiness. It hits you back down with illness and pain. The friends, love and dreams you realize all fled you behind. No one, not even your family members or any of your “love” one will stay.

Like the girl who suicide.

With tons of “friends” and “loved” ones surrounded around her for her final farewell, all of them wondering why she left without a word. Thinking why didnt she talk to me, I would have help her, be there for her. But isnt this all a lie? Cos maybe she had. Maybe she had text you asking if you are free for dinner but your schedule are always too pack. Maybe she have called for help a lot of time but no one ever heard?

Still of cos you will think that that is of no reason to suicide, to let your parents down, to give up on all the wonders of the world. But however, does it matter? As who ever know what is living about? At the end, you will always and indefinitely be alone with whatever thinking and reason as none. They might cry but do they really care? Isnt the only reason they care because of themselves? Because they feel the pain i their heart when you leave? Because they are too use to having you around. But if you are really still around would they even know your existent?

If I suicide, people will think that I m stupid, useless and incapable. But what if I have already felt so? Plus unloved. So does it matter?

I am not going to. I have too much hope, hoping that one day things might be better. That I will be of use to the world, that I will be appreciated and loved. Though at the end of it, I will still be alone. I have no courage to face the eternal loneliness so I might as well hang on.

Hoping that, like 13 years ago when I was ten, that things might be different someday.